A Conversation with Darcy

"And your defect is a propensity to hate everybody."

And yours," he replied with a smile, "is willfully to misunderstand them."

-Jane Austen (Pride and Prejudice) 

Darling Jane has done it again. Words from 1813 continue to reflect my own life experiences.

Song Of Soloman 8:6

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD.

Every day it seems that I fail at letting Christ be the center of my heart, the seal upon my arm. And at the end of every day, when I am reminded of my true intentions, I think: how is it that people struggle to love me, when if they could actually see my heart- they would never stop running. 

But you see all of those things, and you are the most constant of friends, fathers and protectors. You even want me to take part in your plans. You could see Mary Magdalene's heart better than anyone else, and you still chose to love her and accept her when no one else would even touch her. You see the condition of my heart, the vile selfishness, the pride, and you still command that I place you as a seal over it.

I really and truly know nothing of love.

I'm the greatest Pen-Pal.

Trouble is, no one else likes to put effort into the art of creative snail mail. 

Bucket Birth

I am a list person.

How else can I get my thoughts organized? 

Pie charts work well for my plethora of emotions and their strength (in percentages)

I have a list for everything that I don't trust my memory with (which is a great deal)

But until recently, making a bucket list wasn't something I was ever interested in. I thought that people shouldn't go through their life with a checklist of what they believe to be the most important and fulfilling things to see or experience. They should simply live "to the fullest with what they've been given" or something along that trail. (And I still believe that, to an extent.)  

But then one day, I discovered that my bucket list was already made- it was hiding within the List of Ambitions. 

And I thought, how can I justify ambitions and not bucket?

Hence, the bucket has begun. On a graph paper pad, no less. 

I think this is an admirable start. From my perspective, however, it may only be a band-aid on a much bloodier wound.

From the pages of "Speak", by Laurie Halse Anderson

I crouch by the trunk, my fingers stroking the bark, seeking a Braille code, a clue, a message on how to come back to life after my long undersnow dormancy. I have survived. I am here. Confused, screwed up, but here. So, how can i find my way? Is there a chain saw of the soul, an ax i can take to my memories or fears? I dig my fingers into the dirt and squeeze. A small, clean part of me waits to warm and burst through the surface. Some quiet Melindagirl I haven't seen in months. This is the seed I will care for.

I reread parts of the book a night ago. I am not Melinda, and I haven't had her experiences, but this passage spoke to me. Like Melinda, my pain and fear has made me dormant. 

But it doesn't have to stay that way. The time has come to speak.

6am Thought

The man

braved every gust of wind, sleet, snow, and ice

only to face water in its chlorinated form.

braver than the regulars

braver than the swim team

This man 

is the reason I had to leave my bed 

with only five hours of sleep

and trek through a foot of snow

to watch him thrash through water.

But.

I won't regret it

if

he does it for a woman.